The amazing decision to move.....

Imagine for a minute if you will the distress I was in back about five years ago when I suddenly found myself within hours of becoming homeless. I had money in my pocket and a few dollars in the bank and no where to sleep that very Friday evening. It was raining and there was a taste of cold weather in the air. A friend of mine who was living in a rooming house at the time explained that there were rooms empty where he was staying.

Having lived from one rooming house to another many years prior I was sickened to even consider the thought of returning to the hell of that style of shelter. Weighing my limited options I broke down and contacted the owner and upon his learning that I had cash he was more than happy to provide me with a room and dry place to lay my head. That was five years ago...Oh how times have changed...

I have no regrets that jump right out and haunt me. I had the opportunity to meet my wonderful wife and my adopted Pop Danny. I believe I have made some sort of differences in the lives of many people. I was able to experience and meet more folks than I ever would have from all walks of life (some good people and a lot of idiots). There are a few things that people take for granted that I will not miss (and may take some getting used to in the new place).

1. I no longer will have to carry my toilet paper with me to the bathroom.
2. No more sharing a stove and mix and match pots and pans.
3. No more having to write our names on food in a community fridge.
4. No more dead bolt locking of the bedroom door at night.
5. No more fear of someone falling asleep and burning the place down at night due to intoxication or stupidity.
6. No more folks knocking on our window because they have locked themselves out.
7. Now we can leave our shampoos and toiletries in the bathroom.
8. The ability to have more family and friends visit without fellow renters gazing at them.
9. The ability of walking to the bathroom in my boxers in the middle of the night if I so desire.

These are just a few of the things that come to mind right off. I could most likely write for hours but you get the idea. Now comes the excitement of doing a full deep cleaning of the new place, packing and cleaning of the old place and making the long journey from old to new. Over the next few days I will be adding to the adventures of the grand move. Check back for the updates.

Happy Trials....See you soon...

Bill

Where are you in your relapse?

I recently had an opportunity to spend a few hours of quiet time with an old friend who like myself struggles with addiction and mental health issues. In our conversations he challenged me to take a deep look at myself and consider that we are ALL in some stage of relapse. My first thought was to tell this person I thought he was off his rocker. Then I considered a few ideas that I would like to share this morning.

First we should define what a relapse is. Webster puts it something like this:

“the act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding.”

“a recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement”.

Now I know a lot of folks claim to be “clean and sober” and have given up their drug of choice and on the outer shell appear to be doing great. But our recovery or spiritual journeys also must come from within. We abused our bodies and our inner parts for many many years before we came to a turning point that caused us to seek help. My wife recently had a major intestinal surgery and while the external incisions are healing and fading the internal parts may take months if not years to totally return to normal functions.

Do you find yourself backsliding spiritually? Are you tired, angry, depressed, sad, or find yourself on spending binges? Are you gambling or taking risks that may be substitutes for your original drug of choice? Use of profanity or diminished shows of affection to a loved one can all be signs of a relapse. Many folks think they have given up the physical issue that held them in bondage for years and they are healed. This is not the case my friends.

It takes a very long time to heal from whatever it was that caused you to just give up. Counseling both group and individual are so important in this journey. I personally continue to seek the advise of mental health professionals. It is so vital to the ongoing recovery. Many times a non bias second opinion is critical to spotting a problem. I recently had a one on one session with my therapist Ms. Rhonda where she asked me why I was using such profanity in describing a subject we were discussing. She not only caught the “potty mouth” but a full change in the way I was sitting and presenting myself at that moment. She was actually able to get to the root of what was truly bothering me when I was so enraged that it was causing me denial and pain that even I didn't have the ability to recognize.

So while we may be chemical free this day, while we may be free of the desire to place that next bet or scratch that next instant ticket, while we may be free of th need for a 12 step group or an hour in church on Sunday are we totally free from a relapse?

Take a few quiet moments and conduct a personal and spiritual inventory of yourself. Then ask yourself (like I have), “where are you in your relapse today”.

Many blessings....see you soon

(Thanks to Brother Steve for the inspiration and guidance)

Did I miss a chapter in the parenting book.....

I sure wish I knew what the set plan is for parenting. Sure there are lots of self help books and parenting for dummies but none of the ever seem to have the answers. We are to nurture or children, cloth them, feed and educate them. We also are going to naturally protect them at all costs. Some of the books I have read about parenting over the years are just a load of poop!!!

You don't have to tell me that when a child says they are hungry...to feed them. Or when a diaper stinks to change them. You don't have to tell me that when a child scrapes their knee to comfort them or clean the wound. This is all instinctive action that all parents take.

I have always said that “I will go to any length” to protect my children, this holds true more so for my daughter than my son. Now I am sure that the real difference there is typical gender bias where “the boy is always stronger than a girl” and can protect themselves more independently.

Now the Lord knows that I have been anything other than the “perfect parent”. I am human, I fail, I have shortcomings and weak points. I have never claimed to be “super Dad”. I used to blame all parental shortcomings on my own childhood but have discovered later in adult life that even that is a load of crap.

So in January my baby girl turned 18 and she all of a sudden (in my opinion) wanted to be treated like she was 30 and knew everything about life. She used to come over for Sunday dinner and the last time she came over she brought a young man she met on the Internet and I was offended. I took what I saw as a potential bad decision on her part to “hook up” with this young man and acted in what I thought was a mature and normal thing to do. I checked this young man out on line in “publicly available” sites and did a little background check on him.

Needless to say my “adult” daughter took great offense to my actions and would not listen for reason. In her eyes what I did was totally wrong and uncalled for. She hasn't spoken to me now for about a month and I can only hope that someday she sees what I did wasn't a reflection upon her, but a true reflection on life and mankind. We are living in a world of insanity where terrible things happen to many people everyday.

I tried to send her a cell phone image of her cat this evening and she failed to respond. This silence is killing me and I am hurting deep from her absence. I see now ho much my own mother must have felt when I decided at a young age that “I knew everything” and no one could tell me otherwise. These was not a thing anyone could do to convince me that I was wrong and parents were right. I am just wondering if I missed the chapter in the parenting books about letting our kids discover pain and heartbreak for themselves or just letting them run wild and do their own thing. I just wish I could get her to listen to reason.

                  I miss you Jessica----Hope to see you soon.

                                             Love Dad

                                              3-27-11

Functioning Dysfunctional… (Part 3)

There are many folks in my family who have never received any type of treatment for their own dysfunctional upbringing. I received a friend request on my Facebook account from an unnamed sibling who was livid that I would share our horror stories from the past.

I explained that these Ramblings were not to air the dirty laundry. I explained that they were a way of spreading the message that mental health treatment DOES help and that there is NOTHING wrong with seeking a helping hand.

Friends, don't be ashamed of your pasts....rise up from the debris and move forward to become better people.

Once can only hope and pray that this sibling of mine see the light.

Have a blessed day….see you soon.

Dysfunctional Plumbing..... (Part Two)

Growing up in a large family there are many memories that I will hold until the day that I die. One that has always haunted me goes back over 38 years and while having a casual chat with my mother tonight on the phone January 13^th. 1974 came back like a FLASH BACK and reminds me just how insane and dysfunctional life really was as a child.

My natural father was in the radio business and he worked out of town and we seldom saw him week days or nights and he usually made it home on the weekends to spend his free time either intoxicated or well on his way to intoxication. These week end stays at the house become very abusive to my mom and us kids not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse that we all were constantly showered with.

We lived in a very large home in Manchester, Connecticut and the place was usually in one state of dis repair or another at any given time. I recall there were at least two possibly three mortgages on the house that were in default. We had plumbing problems. Toilets that didn’t stop running, kitchen sinks that did more than just drip and a bath tub that leaked so bad the ceiling below was constantly wet and dripping.

My mother hounded the old man to fix the leaks and drips and finally he relented and announced that he would be taking care of them over this particular weekend. Well, that Saturday morning Dad and a family friend we will call Felix came to the house bright and early and mom took all of us kids out shopping and to a friend’s house for the day. I recall when we returned home later that evening the old man and Felix were both very heavily intoxicated and he announced that the plumbing was all fixed and the house was now drip and leak free.

Dad and Felix left (they did return later as you will see).  Mom was so exhausted from the day she asked my oldest brother Steve to go into the pantry and fill the tea pot and start some water boiling so she could have a hot cup of tea. I remember clear as a bell Steve telling her the water wasn’t working and her saying “they must have forgotten to turn the valve on under the sink”.  Nope, they didn’t forget to turn it on, they had cut and capped the pipes. Not only did they cut and cap those pipes they capped every pipe in the house accept a water feed to toilet in a half bath just off the first floor back hall.

The old man was 100% correct when he stated that we had no more drips or leaks. We had no frigging water. I thought my mother was going to totally loose it when he showed up an hour or so later. When she asked him what we were going to do for water he told her the water in the tank of the toilet was clean. Friends…you can’t make hell like this up. This was truly dysfunction at the worst. I was 7 days shy of my 11^th birthday and all hell was breaking loose right before my eyes.

One thing lead to another and my natural father started to move towards my mother in a manner we had all witnessed so many times before and I decided I needed to get in between them and protect my mom from his wrath. I made some comment about keeping his hands off of my mom and I recall a very strong fist right into my throat from a man who was over six feet tall and weighing over 260 pounds at the time. The next few minutes were very confusing and I remember riding in the back seat of a police cruiser with my mom on the way to the emergency room.

January 13^th 1974 was the day my mother made a decision to leave my father.

The insanity of this plumbing problem went on for a very long time after the actual date. We actually pulled dirty dinner dishes in a little red wagon to a neighbor’s house to wash them. We bathed at the neighbor’s house and there was a long line in the mornings for the only functioning toilet in the house.  This friend’s is why I refer to this RAMBLING as Dysfunctional Plumbing…

Have a great day….See you soon.

The fun in dysfunctional.....

Over the next few days I will be sharing my thoughts and feelings about the dysfunctional family. While I have studied this issue at great length my own personal experience growing up is what I believe is the best research anyone can have as a model when taking the dysfunctional family into consideration. First we must consider what many professionals believe the description of the dysfunctional family is.

“A dysfunctional family is a working entity in which conflict, misbehavior, and often abuse on the part of individual members occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.). Other origins include untreated mental illness, and parents emulating or over-correcting their own dysfunctional parents. In some cases, a "child-like" parent will allow the dominant parent to abuse their children…

                                              Adapted from a combination of various resources

I guess before I go much further, I should say that I truly feel that everyone has a dysfunctional member in their family and if you think I am wrong then you yourself may be the person who is most likely dysfunctional.

 I have learned that there are six basic roles that children adopt while living in a dysfunctional family. These six roles are listed below (not in any specific order).

The Angel or Hero Child: a child who assumes the parental role.

The Troubled (or problem) Child:  the child who is blamed for most problems and may be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family. This role sometimes can also be referred to as the Scapegoat or Black Sheep.

The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.

The Lost Child: the inconspicuous, quiet one, whose needs are usually ignored or hidden.

The Jester: uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system. Some professionals also refer to this child as the Mascot.

The Mastermind: the opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. Often the object of appeasement by grown-ups.

In my own family I must say that I personally could have been referred to as any of these figures with the exception of the Angel Child (although I did attempt to fill that role later in life). As I think back over the years I truly best filled the Jester’s role and warn anyone in any kind of mental health treatment that it is very dangerous TO CONTINUE THIS ROLE AS AN ADULT.

I have discovered that I can so easily fall back into the Jester’s role and take the true focus off of the core problems at hand. For example, if I am talking to my therapist Rhonda about a situation with my mother or daughter that really is hitting a sore spot, I can make a joke or something about a matter that is totally unrelated to try and avoid the actual topic. Personally, I must admit that Rhonda has discovered this about me faster than any previous therapist and it is more difficult to pull it off. I don’t try this intentionally mind you I think this is sometimes a natural defense mechanism.

To be continued….

See you soon – Have a great day

Thoughts and prayers.....

Crazy schedule at work this week. Spring break at most of our college accounts. Last week spent the majority of time at a campus about 20 miles away, started this week off in Western Mass. and off to yet another Mass. campus for the next couple of days.

Yesterday, I discovered that the campus we were working on had a very high population of Asian students who do not travel home for the traditional Spring break due to financial restraints. This normally upbeat campus had a feeling of sadness and unusual calm about it.

We need to take a moment this day and give thanks for each of the blessings we have in our own lives. These young students are miles and miles from home and they are watching their native Japan on television and the web in a state of mass disaster.

Let us keep the people effected by this disaster in our thoughts and prayers throughout this week. Let us not forget just how fortunate we are and take a moment to give someone you love a hug today.

Have a blessed day....see you soon

The Energizer Bunny is to blame....

This Sunday morning at 2:00am we push the clocks forward an hour. So instantly we go from 2:00am to 3:00am. This means we are loosing and hour of sleep but gaining an hour of daylight. While most folks prefer the change that occurs in the Fall when we set our time pieces back and hour I tend to agree with others that the Springtime change is much healthier and more exciting. I can enjoy the light of day an hour earlier and spend more time outdoors with the Lord admiring the glory of His creation.

There are many great semi annual things we can do to make life simpler that we should think of at daylight savings time.

Check your batteries. Some will advise that you should replace all of your batteries in smoke detectors; they are probably the most important battery powered devices in your home. I don't know if this is peddled by the Energizer Bunny or whether it is really necessary, (most smoke detectors will beep a warning when the batteries are low) but if you do it, don't throw the batteries out. No doubt there is lots of juice left for remote controls and other devices that use them.

Check the Medicine Cabinet. Is everything seriously beyond its expiry date? Perhaps it is time to replace them. Again, there are those who say that the expiry dates are meaningless, so it depends on the product—I wouldn't worry about shampoo or toothpaste but prescriptions are another story

If you do throw them out, do it properly—many drug stores take them back now, and there are many new drug take-back programs. I was shocked to learn that some government sites still recommend that you throw your old drugs down the toilet; this is a huge problem, as is putting them in the garbage.

Check the First Aid Kit Did you use anything up that needs replacement? Are all of your emergency supplies up to date? It is a good time to check

Check all of the lights and signals on your car or bike. Conditions are different today than they were last week. Make certain that everything works.

One of my favorite early American Statesmen, Ben Franklin first suggested DST as a way to save candles. I have always wondered how many folks in Ben’s time were up at two or three in the morning burning candles. So the light switch stays off longer and we can all blow out our candles, check our batteries, medicine cabinets, and spend an extra hour enjoying the day.

Thanks Ben...See You all Soon

Controlling this monkey on my back....

I tried something unusual this morning. I walked into my group session at the East with a stuffed Curious George monkey sewn to the back side of my shirt. This stuffed animal was concealed by my jacket and I casually sat down like every other day and when it came my time to share, I stood up and took my jacket off to reveal that I was carrying this damned monkey around on my back. Most of those in the room were stunned that I would make such a statement and I actually had to explain what the monkey signified but others knew right off the point I was trying to make.

My individual therapist Barb was a little taken aback to discover what I had done and she spoke to me about it afterwards. She thought it was some sort of grandstanding and I explained that this was not my intention at all. I explained that the point I was trying to make was that we ALL have issues and mine was not just my past addictions but even current crisis and events that continue to haunt me.

Are you walking around with a monkey on your back? Most of us are. "Monkeys" are worries, regrets, anger and guilt that never keep quiet and refuse to sit still. They are born from the more than 50,000 thoughts each of us think each day, largely about things we cannot control, do not wish to see happen, won’t have time to experience or can’t let go. When it comes to mind and spirit self-improvement, monkeys are what hold us back from thinking clearly, reaching our goals and feeling more peaceful.

It means that there is some negative situation going on that, no matter what you do, it won't go away. It has a variety of applications. This phrase is used for addicts who can't stop abusing whatever it is they're addicted to. But, it's also used to describe an athlete who can't seem to reach some kind of athletic milestone (like when Barry Bonds was stuck at 755 home runs, he finally "got the monkey off his back" when he hit 756 and finally broke the home run record).

The phrase is derived from the notion that monkeys cling to things with their hands and their feet (they have opposable foot thumbs) and, were a monkey to climb onto your back where you can't reach him, you would have a very difficult time removing the monkey from your back, no matter what you tried, if the monkey chose not to climb down. What this implies is, by "having a monkey on your back," the negative situation has taken on a life of its own and is willfully imposing itself on you.

I believe we never totally get rid of these damned monkeys but I know that if I keep working on it we can control them and train them to our advantage and somehow help others.

Originally written June 2005

Have a blessed day...See you soon.

And so the season of Lent begins again....

I want to share some thoughts and feelings about Lent that will probably be with my for the rest of my life. Now understand that through many years of intensive individual and group therepy I have learned to deal with these issues. The difference today is that through these sessions I have learned NOT to let the past engulf me or take control of my daily life.

It was about 7 years ago that I was driving around my hometown with a friends fairly new Jetta chain smoking my Marlboro Reds with a full gas can on the floorboard next to me. I was in the middle of the most serious emotional crash I had ever experienced. I was sadly seeking the strength to burn myself in this innocent individuals car. I wanted to die and I didn't car who it hurt or the damages I was going to leave behind.

Then the damned cell phone rings and it is a very dear friend Fr. Joseph an Episcopal priest I am working with and he sences that something is wrong. He was checking up on me due to some difficulties I had been having on the days leading up to this point. He convinces me to meet with him and we decide to meet at my and my wife's house in 20 minutes (I firgure this gives me enough time to stash my gas can and complete my business once he goes away). Well I get to the house and he's already there.

After he assures me that everything is going to be okay, and that no one is going to turn their backs on me for my actions and suicidal thoughts we decide it may be best for me to check myself into a local hospital for a short evaluation and possible referral to out patient treatment. My wife is out of town on business and we call her and she is all for it, she also assures me that this is what "everyone" thinks is best. So off we go to the Institute of Living a very elite treatment facility in Hartford, Connecticut.

During the next 31 days of intensive inpatient treatment I am evaluated and diagnosed (there's that label word again) and the following events take place...ALL DURING LENT...THE SEASON OF FORGIVENESS!

1. My wife comes to visiting with the priest to check on me and assure me all is going to be okay. (This was the Saturday before Palm Sunday) 2. My priest friend annoints me with oil and presents me with palms for the celebration of the palms. 3. Monday morning I am served with divorce papers on the closed unit of the treatment facility. 4. Another very trusted priest friend refuses to take my call and sends word through my unit case worker that I am not to call him ever again. 5. I discover that the law firm representing my wife is also the firm that a thrird trusted friend and priest works for full time. 6. My mother and I get into a huge screaming match on the telephone and she sends word never to call her again. 7. My daughter comes to see me during a visit on the Wednesday before Easter and she is upset that I am in there.

All of these things happened during LENT. THE SEASON OF CLEANSING AND FORGIVENESS!!!

It is not until years later that I begin to understand that I was a scapgoat for many of these people. I had recently been elected as the assistant treasurer of my local church, I was on a fast track to ordination as a deacon in the episcopal church, I was being trusted to assist others in crisis when the priests didn't have the time and now I was melting down. The mad man had slipped past them and made them all look like jack asses to their superiors.

I don't hold grudges, and I have come a long way since that fatal crash. I share this story with you today as Lent begins for a couple of reasons. First and foremost...if you feel abandoned by your spiritual mentors please remember that GOD hasn't abadnoned you,,,people have!!!  Second, holding grudges can eat you alive. Always find it in your heart to forgive. While we can't forget the past...we can learn to cope and become better people for it.

So, the season of Lent begins....

See you soon and many blessings

100 Years and 45 Days of Nathan Birnbaum...

This week marks the 15^th anniversary of the death of Nathan Birnbaum. I shared the January 20^th. Birthday with Mr. Birnbaum although he was born in 1896 a few years before my arrival in 1963. As a young child and early in my adult life I watched Nathan on television and was actually honored to see him perform live in late 1985 at the Resorts Casino in Atlantic City.

Many great people over the years have been quoted with lasting remarks. None in my life have ever had more influence that the great Nathan Birnbaum’s.

“I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.”

Friends, find something you love to do and excel at it. If you fail try again. Nelson Birnbaum never gave up. I love the work I do today and can only say that I am blessed to work for the company I do. Don’t ever give up on your dreams. If Nathan Birnbaum had ever given up…you will agree that the world would be a different place today. Nelson was that important to the world and SO ARE YOU!!!

Nathan Birnbaum lived to be 100 years and 45 days old and he touched the hearts and lives of many folks in those years. I can only hope that I live to touch just a few of the number of lives that he was able to change.

Have a blessed day…see you soon.

Nathan Birnbaum (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), Better known to the world as George Burns

Where you hide your mistakes…..

“We as a society look to our pleasures while our brothers and sisters rot away in these concrete and steel tombs where we conveniently hide our mistakes” (Author Unknown)

One can only imagine the living hell that the individual who originally penned the above statement was living. He or she may have been in a dark and dingy prison cell or strapped in 4 point restraint in a mental health facility closed off from the rest of the world.  I have always referred to these places as my “box” or “my little corner of the world”.

Tonight the lights just went out I can hear the buzz of a fan somewhere and an attendant’s television. I think the late show is on, not sure but I hear some sort of laughter. I can move around in my box here but what is the use, I am caged, an animal, waiting for the next instruction of my captors. I just heard the flush of a toilet a few cages down and someone is crying themselves to sleep.

I’ve said my prayers and asked God to bring me safe to another day of light and life. Some nights I have actually just asked him to take me away from all this but he doesn’t seem to answer that request. (While tonight I must admit, I am happy he only answers my prayers for hope and forgiveness). I just can’t find rest. The medications I was given three hours ago don’t seem to be taking affect.

It’s midnight the keeper has just changed shifts. I am just getting to sleep when suddenly all of the lights come blazing on and alarms are ringing and the noises are just unbearable.  What is going on? I look down the isle of cages and I can make out a team of folks opening another persons’ cage to remove yet another person who could no longer take the confinement.  Lifeless and non-responsive is the call out as medical attendants arrive. The lights go dark again and the alarms silent as fast as they began.

In a few hours the lights will return, the glimmer of sunshine will filter in through the dirty glass and the empty bed down the way will be filled by yet another outcast from society. The circle never seems to end. I wish I had taken another road in my journey. Does anyone even remember my name? Will my day of reckoning ever come? Am I stuck in this box for eternity?

Originally composed December 12^th 2004

The impact of Duke O'Malley...

I believe that as we journey through life we come in contact with hundreds, if not thousands of people who make impressions in our lives. Then there are the very limited few folks we can usually count on less than one hand who make a lasting IMPACT on our lives. The type of IMPACT that will stay with us, until death.

Many of us can recall a grade school teacher, military drill instructor, or little league coach that will forever be engrave din our minds. These are the special folks that made that IMPACT. I can actually count on one hand these special people. Back a few years ago I had the opportunity to meet a young fellow named Duke O’Malley.

Duke was performing an intake for me into a therapy program I was about to enter. I recall walking into his office thinking, “I could like this guy, he’s an Irishmen and from all indications and the decor of his office he may have been a fan of baseball”.  Duke was the first person in my long twisted and confused journey into my mental well being that actually sounded like he cared about me. He listened to my story and actually stopped me from time to time and asked me to explain some areas of my life in more details.

I left that office that day feeling like I had come to the right place. I had been somewhat forced to go meet Duke and Company but he said “he didn’t care about that”. He explained how his program worked and said he thought I would fit right in. He was the first person in the field of mental health that explained that, “I would have some say in my treatment plan”. Wow that is what caught my attention…that is what made the IMPACT!!

I walked away thinking, “he has no idea what he’s getting into if he’s going to let a messed up person like myself be involved in my own treatment and allow me to take part in the decision process of weather I sink or swim”. Little did I know that the plan he had for me was going to start working. Now I walked out of the old broken down rented space that Duke shared with a vast number of mental health providers knowing that I may have found a home.

It’s been over five or six years since I first met Duke and we still get together from time to time to say hello and share my journey. He never gave up on me even during some of my darkest moments at the start. I find myself thinking of that first meeting more and more each day as I grow older. Sometimes I may not touch base with Duke and he always seems to know just when to call or send word through our mutual friend Sabrina to give him a call or stop down and see him.

So, as the St. Patrick’s Day holiday approaches, if you have a Duke O’Malley in your life who has made an IMPACT on you, take pause and tip your hat and say THANKS for being there when I needed you the most.

A little about ramblings....

Ramble: " to talk or write in a desultory or long-winded wandering fashion "

About 8 or 9 years ago, in a very dark period of my life, a therapist suggested that I begin writing in a daily journal. I walked out of this lady's office thinking, if she wants a journal, I will curl her eyebrows when she reads mine. What the heck good will writing my twisted thoughts do to help me get better? Well I spent the next two weeks writing down ever crazy thought that crossed my mind. I spoke of how situations in my childhood had robbed me, I spoke of the weather, and even shared some of my darkest moments. I took this journal back to the nice lady and she reviewed it and said, "this isn't a journal...it's just a bunch of ramblings".

Hence the beginning of the ramblings.

Over time I will not just share my current (sometimes clouded) thoughts and ramblings, but I will share some that I have written in the past. While it is not my intention to offend anyone, some of my ramblings (even with names deleted or changed) may cause others to jump up and down and say "he's talking about me". Well if that is the case then I say "thank you". Thank you for reading and following the blog but, more importantly...thank you for being such an important part of my life that I am taking the time to write about my personal experiences with you.

The opinions expressed here are my own, they are not meant to provide advise or guidance for your own treatment. I am NOT a licensed care provider and none of my experiences are in anyway meant to be used as an alternative to PROFESSIONAL AND LICENSED CARE. If you are seeking answers and are unsure which way to turn then please by all means...contact your own primary care provider, mental health clinic in your area, or if you are in immediate crisis contact your nearest emergency room or call 911.

See you soon....Have a Blessed Day

Who's that in your mirror....

Who do you blame...

I come from a very large family and used to say that our family put the "func" in dysfunctional. Needless to say we had our moments. If one sibling wasn't in trouble on any given day another may have been. My natural father was not just physically abusive to us kids but so abusive to my mother that it mad life a living hell at times.

I spent years and years blaming my mother for all the bad things that happened to me over the years and I was wrong. Even in my adult life if I screwed something up..".it was mom's fault"," she allowed me to be screwed up and it was just clouding my judgement"..."it was all I knew", "I was raised that way". WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!

After many years of therapy I have opened my eyes to alot of reality. My mother is NOT to blame for all the bad things that happen in my life. The old pile of bones and rotted flesh buried deep in a grave on the east side of Manchester, Connecticut can take the burden for the majority of adolescent garbage. Okay that covers the early years...who is to blame for all the other crap?

I recall a trip to the Bronx Zoo many years ago where they had this exhibit of "The World's Deadliest Animal". All over the zoo this was being advertised, I recall one of the signs that said it "had killed more of it's own then any other creature in history". I needed to see this animal, I had to brag to my friends that I had seen something they may never have the chance to see in their lives. All excited, I walked into this caged house area and as I walked up to peak in there was a mirror inside.

I was looking at an image of myself.

At some point in our lives we all need to take responsibility for our own actions. The time for blaming others has to go away and we need to look in the mirror and see just who the enemy is.
My mom did everything you knew to protect us as her children. She worked two jobs to provide when the old man abandoned us and she did what was right by all of us. She did what a mother does...SHE PROTECTED HER YOUNG. We as adults are the responsible parties for our decisions beyond the nest. I was convinced for many years prior to intensive mental health treatment that mom owed me an apology for all the garbage and bad things that have ever happened to me...I WAS WRONG!!! I OWE MOM THE APOLOGIES FOR ALL THE CRAP I PUT ON HER PLATE!!!

So before you are to quick to jump up and down and say "I was wronged" look at the person in the mirror and see the world's most dangerous animal. As you progress through therapy you will begin to like the person looking back at you.


See you soon.

Online Diagnosis...Are You Kidding Me

It's new and exciting. Just think of it...never leave the house for mental health care again.

In my ever wandering mind I was continuing my research about the dangers of a diagnosis (labels as I like to call them) and I found the ultimate tool now available to anyone with access to the net.

Online Diagnosis...You read it right my friends. Now we can go to to a site to fill out a bunch of forms and questionnaires and for a "minimal fee" we can have our surveys evaluated by a licensed mental health provider and they will in turn send us a comprehensive diagnosis and make recommendations as to how we should proceed.

Hard to believe....Check it out yourself:
        http://www.diagnose-me.com/.
Are you tired of hearing "Take these pills and see if it improves"?
Are you seeking real answers to your health problems?
Would you like to deal with the cause of your problems instead of the symptoms? (Found on diagnose me website above)

I have enough problems sorting out the different labels I have been tagged with over the years. I know the dangers of what a mis-diagnosis can cause. Now if I want to get "sucked in" I can add more fuel to the fire and more confusion to my life by paying some total stranger probably working out of their garage or basement with a degree printed on Quilted Northern to send me a total breakdown of all that ails me between my ears.

Don't be fooled friends. Find a care team you can work together with. Find a therapist with a real degree and take part in your treatment plan. Sure it's tough to be labeled but it's even tougher to do something about it.

Have a great day...

There's more than one color in a box of crayons.....

There's more than one color in a box of crayons....

Recently, I was reflecting back over my last few years of life. I was thinking about how far I believe I have come in my mental health treatment and laughed about a memory from a few years ago...let me explain.
I had been treating with H.V.C.C. for about a year and a half and my therepist at the time was seeing me twice a week. I was living in the river mill section of Rockville and to get to my appointments I had to walk past the old historic Hockunum Mills on West Main Street. Not only did I pass this building four times a week on my way to therepy, I literally lived next door to it.

It was a somewhat cloudy day and as I walked past the old mill I looked up and saw that someone had painted a beutiful mural on the front of the mill. Now I am talking about a full size mural that goes for half a city block. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to share my newly found discovery with Amy (my therepist at the time), and when I finally got into her little office I was just bubbling over with excitment. Imagine my surprise when she just stared at me and said "the building has been painted for years".

If you are new to therepy and things seem gray, take it from someone who has been there, in your very shoes...THE COLORS DO COME BACK!!! The road is not always easy and there will even be occassional set backs. Don't let these little speed bumps on the road of progress slow you down. Take an active part in your treatment plan and set goals. Work closely with your care team and you will once again see the green of a fresh cut lawn, the yellows of tulips in the springtime and the many more colors of the box of crayons that await you.