And so the season of Lent begins again....

I want to share some thoughts and feelings about Lent that will probably be with my for the rest of my life. Now understand that through many years of intensive individual and group therepy I have learned to deal with these issues. The difference today is that through these sessions I have learned NOT to let the past engulf me or take control of my daily life.

It was about 7 years ago that I was driving around my hometown with a friends fairly new Jetta chain smoking my Marlboro Reds with a full gas can on the floorboard next to me. I was in the middle of the most serious emotional crash I had ever experienced. I was sadly seeking the strength to burn myself in this innocent individuals car. I wanted to die and I didn't car who it hurt or the damages I was going to leave behind.

Then the damned cell phone rings and it is a very dear friend Fr. Joseph an Episcopal priest I am working with and he sences that something is wrong. He was checking up on me due to some difficulties I had been having on the days leading up to this point. He convinces me to meet with him and we decide to meet at my and my wife's house in 20 minutes (I firgure this gives me enough time to stash my gas can and complete my business once he goes away). Well I get to the house and he's already there.

After he assures me that everything is going to be okay, and that no one is going to turn their backs on me for my actions and suicidal thoughts we decide it may be best for me to check myself into a local hospital for a short evaluation and possible referral to out patient treatment. My wife is out of town on business and we call her and she is all for it, she also assures me that this is what "everyone" thinks is best. So off we go to the Institute of Living a very elite treatment facility in Hartford, Connecticut.

During the next 31 days of intensive inpatient treatment I am evaluated and diagnosed (there's that label word again) and the following events take place...ALL DURING LENT...THE SEASON OF FORGIVENESS!

1. My wife comes to visiting with the priest to check on me and assure me all is going to be okay. (This was the Saturday before Palm Sunday) 2. My priest friend annoints me with oil and presents me with palms for the celebration of the palms. 3. Monday morning I am served with divorce papers on the closed unit of the treatment facility. 4. Another very trusted priest friend refuses to take my call and sends word through my unit case worker that I am not to call him ever again. 5. I discover that the law firm representing my wife is also the firm that a thrird trusted friend and priest works for full time. 6. My mother and I get into a huge screaming match on the telephone and she sends word never to call her again. 7. My daughter comes to see me during a visit on the Wednesday before Easter and she is upset that I am in there.

All of these things happened during LENT. THE SEASON OF CLEANSING AND FORGIVENESS!!!

It is not until years later that I begin to understand that I was a scapgoat for many of these people. I had recently been elected as the assistant treasurer of my local church, I was on a fast track to ordination as a deacon in the episcopal church, I was being trusted to assist others in crisis when the priests didn't have the time and now I was melting down. The mad man had slipped past them and made them all look like jack asses to their superiors.

I don't hold grudges, and I have come a long way since that fatal crash. I share this story with you today as Lent begins for a couple of reasons. First and foremost...if you feel abandoned by your spiritual mentors please remember that GOD hasn't abadnoned you,,,people have!!!  Second, holding grudges can eat you alive. Always find it in your heart to forgive. While we can't forget the past...we can learn to cope and become better people for it.

So, the season of Lent begins....

See you soon and many blessings

100 Years and 45 Days of Nathan Birnbaum...

This week marks the 15^th anniversary of the death of Nathan Birnbaum. I shared the January 20^th. Birthday with Mr. Birnbaum although he was born in 1896 a few years before my arrival in 1963. As a young child and early in my adult life I watched Nathan on television and was actually honored to see him perform live in late 1985 at the Resorts Casino in Atlantic City.

Many great people over the years have been quoted with lasting remarks. None in my life have ever had more influence that the great Nathan Birnbaum’s.

“I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.”

Friends, find something you love to do and excel at it. If you fail try again. Nelson Birnbaum never gave up. I love the work I do today and can only say that I am blessed to work for the company I do. Don’t ever give up on your dreams. If Nathan Birnbaum had ever given up…you will agree that the world would be a different place today. Nelson was that important to the world and SO ARE YOU!!!

Nathan Birnbaum lived to be 100 years and 45 days old and he touched the hearts and lives of many folks in those years. I can only hope that I live to touch just a few of the number of lives that he was able to change.

Have a blessed day…see you soon.

Nathan Birnbaum (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), Better known to the world as George Burns

Where you hide your mistakes…..

“We as a society look to our pleasures while our brothers and sisters rot away in these concrete and steel tombs where we conveniently hide our mistakes” (Author Unknown)

One can only imagine the living hell that the individual who originally penned the above statement was living. He or she may have been in a dark and dingy prison cell or strapped in 4 point restraint in a mental health facility closed off from the rest of the world.  I have always referred to these places as my “box” or “my little corner of the world”.

Tonight the lights just went out I can hear the buzz of a fan somewhere and an attendant’s television. I think the late show is on, not sure but I hear some sort of laughter. I can move around in my box here but what is the use, I am caged, an animal, waiting for the next instruction of my captors. I just heard the flush of a toilet a few cages down and someone is crying themselves to sleep.

I’ve said my prayers and asked God to bring me safe to another day of light and life. Some nights I have actually just asked him to take me away from all this but he doesn’t seem to answer that request. (While tonight I must admit, I am happy he only answers my prayers for hope and forgiveness). I just can’t find rest. The medications I was given three hours ago don’t seem to be taking affect.

It’s midnight the keeper has just changed shifts. I am just getting to sleep when suddenly all of the lights come blazing on and alarms are ringing and the noises are just unbearable.  What is going on? I look down the isle of cages and I can make out a team of folks opening another persons’ cage to remove yet another person who could no longer take the confinement.  Lifeless and non-responsive is the call out as medical attendants arrive. The lights go dark again and the alarms silent as fast as they began.

In a few hours the lights will return, the glimmer of sunshine will filter in through the dirty glass and the empty bed down the way will be filled by yet another outcast from society. The circle never seems to end. I wish I had taken another road in my journey. Does anyone even remember my name? Will my day of reckoning ever come? Am I stuck in this box for eternity?

Originally composed December 12^th 2004

The impact of Duke O'Malley...

I believe that as we journey through life we come in contact with hundreds, if not thousands of people who make impressions in our lives. Then there are the very limited few folks we can usually count on less than one hand who make a lasting IMPACT on our lives. The type of IMPACT that will stay with us, until death.

Many of us can recall a grade school teacher, military drill instructor, or little league coach that will forever be engrave din our minds. These are the special folks that made that IMPACT. I can actually count on one hand these special people. Back a few years ago I had the opportunity to meet a young fellow named Duke O’Malley.

Duke was performing an intake for me into a therapy program I was about to enter. I recall walking into his office thinking, “I could like this guy, he’s an Irishmen and from all indications and the decor of his office he may have been a fan of baseball”.  Duke was the first person in my long twisted and confused journey into my mental well being that actually sounded like he cared about me. He listened to my story and actually stopped me from time to time and asked me to explain some areas of my life in more details.

I left that office that day feeling like I had come to the right place. I had been somewhat forced to go meet Duke and Company but he said “he didn’t care about that”. He explained how his program worked and said he thought I would fit right in. He was the first person in the field of mental health that explained that, “I would have some say in my treatment plan”. Wow that is what caught my attention…that is what made the IMPACT!!

I walked away thinking, “he has no idea what he’s getting into if he’s going to let a messed up person like myself be involved in my own treatment and allow me to take part in the decision process of weather I sink or swim”. Little did I know that the plan he had for me was going to start working. Now I walked out of the old broken down rented space that Duke shared with a vast number of mental health providers knowing that I may have found a home.

It’s been over five or six years since I first met Duke and we still get together from time to time to say hello and share my journey. He never gave up on me even during some of my darkest moments at the start. I find myself thinking of that first meeting more and more each day as I grow older. Sometimes I may not touch base with Duke and he always seems to know just when to call or send word through our mutual friend Sabrina to give him a call or stop down and see him.

So, as the St. Patrick’s Day holiday approaches, if you have a Duke O’Malley in your life who has made an IMPACT on you, take pause and tip your hat and say THANKS for being there when I needed you the most.

A little about ramblings....

Ramble: " to talk or write in a desultory or long-winded wandering fashion "

About 8 or 9 years ago, in a very dark period of my life, a therapist suggested that I begin writing in a daily journal. I walked out of this lady's office thinking, if she wants a journal, I will curl her eyebrows when she reads mine. What the heck good will writing my twisted thoughts do to help me get better? Well I spent the next two weeks writing down ever crazy thought that crossed my mind. I spoke of how situations in my childhood had robbed me, I spoke of the weather, and even shared some of my darkest moments. I took this journal back to the nice lady and she reviewed it and said, "this isn't a journal...it's just a bunch of ramblings".

Hence the beginning of the ramblings.

Over time I will not just share my current (sometimes clouded) thoughts and ramblings, but I will share some that I have written in the past. While it is not my intention to offend anyone, some of my ramblings (even with names deleted or changed) may cause others to jump up and down and say "he's talking about me". Well if that is the case then I say "thank you". Thank you for reading and following the blog but, more importantly...thank you for being such an important part of my life that I am taking the time to write about my personal experiences with you.

The opinions expressed here are my own, they are not meant to provide advise or guidance for your own treatment. I am NOT a licensed care provider and none of my experiences are in anyway meant to be used as an alternative to PROFESSIONAL AND LICENSED CARE. If you are seeking answers and are unsure which way to turn then please by all means...contact your own primary care provider, mental health clinic in your area, or if you are in immediate crisis contact your nearest emergency room or call 911.

See you soon....Have a Blessed Day

Who's that in your mirror....

Who do you blame...

I come from a very large family and used to say that our family put the "func" in dysfunctional. Needless to say we had our moments. If one sibling wasn't in trouble on any given day another may have been. My natural father was not just physically abusive to us kids but so abusive to my mother that it mad life a living hell at times.

I spent years and years blaming my mother for all the bad things that happened to me over the years and I was wrong. Even in my adult life if I screwed something up..".it was mom's fault"," she allowed me to be screwed up and it was just clouding my judgement"..."it was all I knew", "I was raised that way". WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!

After many years of therapy I have opened my eyes to alot of reality. My mother is NOT to blame for all the bad things that happen in my life. The old pile of bones and rotted flesh buried deep in a grave on the east side of Manchester, Connecticut can take the burden for the majority of adolescent garbage. Okay that covers the early years...who is to blame for all the other crap?

I recall a trip to the Bronx Zoo many years ago where they had this exhibit of "The World's Deadliest Animal". All over the zoo this was being advertised, I recall one of the signs that said it "had killed more of it's own then any other creature in history". I needed to see this animal, I had to brag to my friends that I had seen something they may never have the chance to see in their lives. All excited, I walked into this caged house area and as I walked up to peak in there was a mirror inside.

I was looking at an image of myself.

At some point in our lives we all need to take responsibility for our own actions. The time for blaming others has to go away and we need to look in the mirror and see just who the enemy is.
My mom did everything you knew to protect us as her children. She worked two jobs to provide when the old man abandoned us and she did what was right by all of us. She did what a mother does...SHE PROTECTED HER YOUNG. We as adults are the responsible parties for our decisions beyond the nest. I was convinced for many years prior to intensive mental health treatment that mom owed me an apology for all the garbage and bad things that have ever happened to me...I WAS WRONG!!! I OWE MOM THE APOLOGIES FOR ALL THE CRAP I PUT ON HER PLATE!!!

So before you are to quick to jump up and down and say "I was wronged" look at the person in the mirror and see the world's most dangerous animal. As you progress through therapy you will begin to like the person looking back at you.


See you soon.

Online Diagnosis...Are You Kidding Me

It's new and exciting. Just think of it...never leave the house for mental health care again.

In my ever wandering mind I was continuing my research about the dangers of a diagnosis (labels as I like to call them) and I found the ultimate tool now available to anyone with access to the net.

Online Diagnosis...You read it right my friends. Now we can go to to a site to fill out a bunch of forms and questionnaires and for a "minimal fee" we can have our surveys evaluated by a licensed mental health provider and they will in turn send us a comprehensive diagnosis and make recommendations as to how we should proceed.

Hard to believe....Check it out yourself:
        http://www.diagnose-me.com/.
Are you tired of hearing "Take these pills and see if it improves"?
Are you seeking real answers to your health problems?
Would you like to deal with the cause of your problems instead of the symptoms? (Found on diagnose me website above)

I have enough problems sorting out the different labels I have been tagged with over the years. I know the dangers of what a mis-diagnosis can cause. Now if I want to get "sucked in" I can add more fuel to the fire and more confusion to my life by paying some total stranger probably working out of their garage or basement with a degree printed on Quilted Northern to send me a total breakdown of all that ails me between my ears.

Don't be fooled friends. Find a care team you can work together with. Find a therapist with a real degree and take part in your treatment plan. Sure it's tough to be labeled but it's even tougher to do something about it.

Have a great day...