The amazing decision to move.....

Imagine for a minute if you will the distress I was in back about five years ago when I suddenly found myself within hours of becoming homeless. I had money in my pocket and a few dollars in the bank and no where to sleep that very Friday evening. It was raining and there was a taste of cold weather in the air. A friend of mine who was living in a rooming house at the time explained that there were rooms empty where he was staying.

Having lived from one rooming house to another many years prior I was sickened to even consider the thought of returning to the hell of that style of shelter. Weighing my limited options I broke down and contacted the owner and upon his learning that I had cash he was more than happy to provide me with a room and dry place to lay my head. That was five years ago...Oh how times have changed...

I have no regrets that jump right out and haunt me. I had the opportunity to meet my wonderful wife and my adopted Pop Danny. I believe I have made some sort of differences in the lives of many people. I was able to experience and meet more folks than I ever would have from all walks of life (some good people and a lot of idiots). There are a few things that people take for granted that I will not miss (and may take some getting used to in the new place).

1. I no longer will have to carry my toilet paper with me to the bathroom.
2. No more sharing a stove and mix and match pots and pans.
3. No more having to write our names on food in a community fridge.
4. No more dead bolt locking of the bedroom door at night.
5. No more fear of someone falling asleep and burning the place down at night due to intoxication or stupidity.
6. No more folks knocking on our window because they have locked themselves out.
7. Now we can leave our shampoos and toiletries in the bathroom.
8. The ability to have more family and friends visit without fellow renters gazing at them.
9. The ability of walking to the bathroom in my boxers in the middle of the night if I so desire.

These are just a few of the things that come to mind right off. I could most likely write for hours but you get the idea. Now comes the excitement of doing a full deep cleaning of the new place, packing and cleaning of the old place and making the long journey from old to new. Over the next few days I will be adding to the adventures of the grand move. Check back for the updates.

Happy Trials....See you soon...

Bill

Where are you in your relapse?

I recently had an opportunity to spend a few hours of quiet time with an old friend who like myself struggles with addiction and mental health issues. In our conversations he challenged me to take a deep look at myself and consider that we are ALL in some stage of relapse. My first thought was to tell this person I thought he was off his rocker. Then I considered a few ideas that I would like to share this morning.

First we should define what a relapse is. Webster puts it something like this:

“the act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding.”

“a recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement”.

Now I know a lot of folks claim to be “clean and sober” and have given up their drug of choice and on the outer shell appear to be doing great. But our recovery or spiritual journeys also must come from within. We abused our bodies and our inner parts for many many years before we came to a turning point that caused us to seek help. My wife recently had a major intestinal surgery and while the external incisions are healing and fading the internal parts may take months if not years to totally return to normal functions.

Do you find yourself backsliding spiritually? Are you tired, angry, depressed, sad, or find yourself on spending binges? Are you gambling or taking risks that may be substitutes for your original drug of choice? Use of profanity or diminished shows of affection to a loved one can all be signs of a relapse. Many folks think they have given up the physical issue that held them in bondage for years and they are healed. This is not the case my friends.

It takes a very long time to heal from whatever it was that caused you to just give up. Counseling both group and individual are so important in this journey. I personally continue to seek the advise of mental health professionals. It is so vital to the ongoing recovery. Many times a non bias second opinion is critical to spotting a problem. I recently had a one on one session with my therapist Ms. Rhonda where she asked me why I was using such profanity in describing a subject we were discussing. She not only caught the “potty mouth” but a full change in the way I was sitting and presenting myself at that moment. She was actually able to get to the root of what was truly bothering me when I was so enraged that it was causing me denial and pain that even I didn't have the ability to recognize.

So while we may be chemical free this day, while we may be free of the desire to place that next bet or scratch that next instant ticket, while we may be free of th need for a 12 step group or an hour in church on Sunday are we totally free from a relapse?

Take a few quiet moments and conduct a personal and spiritual inventory of yourself. Then ask yourself (like I have), “where are you in your relapse today”.

Many blessings....see you soon

(Thanks to Brother Steve for the inspiration and guidance)

Did I miss a chapter in the parenting book.....

I sure wish I knew what the set plan is for parenting. Sure there are lots of self help books and parenting for dummies but none of the ever seem to have the answers. We are to nurture or children, cloth them, feed and educate them. We also are going to naturally protect them at all costs. Some of the books I have read about parenting over the years are just a load of poop!!!

You don't have to tell me that when a child says they are hungry...to feed them. Or when a diaper stinks to change them. You don't have to tell me that when a child scrapes their knee to comfort them or clean the wound. This is all instinctive action that all parents take.

I have always said that “I will go to any length” to protect my children, this holds true more so for my daughter than my son. Now I am sure that the real difference there is typical gender bias where “the boy is always stronger than a girl” and can protect themselves more independently.

Now the Lord knows that I have been anything other than the “perfect parent”. I am human, I fail, I have shortcomings and weak points. I have never claimed to be “super Dad”. I used to blame all parental shortcomings on my own childhood but have discovered later in adult life that even that is a load of crap.

So in January my baby girl turned 18 and she all of a sudden (in my opinion) wanted to be treated like she was 30 and knew everything about life. She used to come over for Sunday dinner and the last time she came over she brought a young man she met on the Internet and I was offended. I took what I saw as a potential bad decision on her part to “hook up” with this young man and acted in what I thought was a mature and normal thing to do. I checked this young man out on line in “publicly available” sites and did a little background check on him.

Needless to say my “adult” daughter took great offense to my actions and would not listen for reason. In her eyes what I did was totally wrong and uncalled for. She hasn't spoken to me now for about a month and I can only hope that someday she sees what I did wasn't a reflection upon her, but a true reflection on life and mankind. We are living in a world of insanity where terrible things happen to many people everyday.

I tried to send her a cell phone image of her cat this evening and she failed to respond. This silence is killing me and I am hurting deep from her absence. I see now ho much my own mother must have felt when I decided at a young age that “I knew everything” and no one could tell me otherwise. These was not a thing anyone could do to convince me that I was wrong and parents were right. I am just wondering if I missed the chapter in the parenting books about letting our kids discover pain and heartbreak for themselves or just letting them run wild and do their own thing. I just wish I could get her to listen to reason.

                  I miss you Jessica----Hope to see you soon.

                                             Love Dad

                                              3-27-11

Functioning Dysfunctional… (Part 3)

There are many folks in my family who have never received any type of treatment for their own dysfunctional upbringing. I received a friend request on my Facebook account from an unnamed sibling who was livid that I would share our horror stories from the past.

I explained that these Ramblings were not to air the dirty laundry. I explained that they were a way of spreading the message that mental health treatment DOES help and that there is NOTHING wrong with seeking a helping hand.

Friends, don't be ashamed of your pasts....rise up from the debris and move forward to become better people.

Once can only hope and pray that this sibling of mine see the light.

Have a blessed day….see you soon.

Dysfunctional Plumbing..... (Part Two)

Growing up in a large family there are many memories that I will hold until the day that I die. One that has always haunted me goes back over 38 years and while having a casual chat with my mother tonight on the phone January 13^th. 1974 came back like a FLASH BACK and reminds me just how insane and dysfunctional life really was as a child.

My natural father was in the radio business and he worked out of town and we seldom saw him week days or nights and he usually made it home on the weekends to spend his free time either intoxicated or well on his way to intoxication. These week end stays at the house become very abusive to my mom and us kids not to mention the verbal and emotional abuse that we all were constantly showered with.

We lived in a very large home in Manchester, Connecticut and the place was usually in one state of dis repair or another at any given time. I recall there were at least two possibly three mortgages on the house that were in default. We had plumbing problems. Toilets that didn’t stop running, kitchen sinks that did more than just drip and a bath tub that leaked so bad the ceiling below was constantly wet and dripping.

My mother hounded the old man to fix the leaks and drips and finally he relented and announced that he would be taking care of them over this particular weekend. Well, that Saturday morning Dad and a family friend we will call Felix came to the house bright and early and mom took all of us kids out shopping and to a friend’s house for the day. I recall when we returned home later that evening the old man and Felix were both very heavily intoxicated and he announced that the plumbing was all fixed and the house was now drip and leak free.

Dad and Felix left (they did return later as you will see).  Mom was so exhausted from the day she asked my oldest brother Steve to go into the pantry and fill the tea pot and start some water boiling so she could have a hot cup of tea. I remember clear as a bell Steve telling her the water wasn’t working and her saying “they must have forgotten to turn the valve on under the sink”.  Nope, they didn’t forget to turn it on, they had cut and capped the pipes. Not only did they cut and cap those pipes they capped every pipe in the house accept a water feed to toilet in a half bath just off the first floor back hall.

The old man was 100% correct when he stated that we had no more drips or leaks. We had no frigging water. I thought my mother was going to totally loose it when he showed up an hour or so later. When she asked him what we were going to do for water he told her the water in the tank of the toilet was clean. Friends…you can’t make hell like this up. This was truly dysfunction at the worst. I was 7 days shy of my 11^th birthday and all hell was breaking loose right before my eyes.

One thing lead to another and my natural father started to move towards my mother in a manner we had all witnessed so many times before and I decided I needed to get in between them and protect my mom from his wrath. I made some comment about keeping his hands off of my mom and I recall a very strong fist right into my throat from a man who was over six feet tall and weighing over 260 pounds at the time. The next few minutes were very confusing and I remember riding in the back seat of a police cruiser with my mom on the way to the emergency room.

January 13^th 1974 was the day my mother made a decision to leave my father.

The insanity of this plumbing problem went on for a very long time after the actual date. We actually pulled dirty dinner dishes in a little red wagon to a neighbor’s house to wash them. We bathed at the neighbor’s house and there was a long line in the mornings for the only functioning toilet in the house.  This friend’s is why I refer to this RAMBLING as Dysfunctional Plumbing…

Have a great day….See you soon.

The fun in dysfunctional.....

Over the next few days I will be sharing my thoughts and feelings about the dysfunctional family. While I have studied this issue at great length my own personal experience growing up is what I believe is the best research anyone can have as a model when taking the dysfunctional family into consideration. First we must consider what many professionals believe the description of the dysfunctional family is.

“A dysfunctional family is a working entity in which conflict, misbehavior, and often abuse on the part of individual members occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of co-dependent adults, and may also be affected by addictions, such as substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, etc.). Other origins include untreated mental illness, and parents emulating or over-correcting their own dysfunctional parents. In some cases, a "child-like" parent will allow the dominant parent to abuse their children…

                                              Adapted from a combination of various resources

I guess before I go much further, I should say that I truly feel that everyone has a dysfunctional member in their family and if you think I am wrong then you yourself may be the person who is most likely dysfunctional.

 I have learned that there are six basic roles that children adopt while living in a dysfunctional family. These six roles are listed below (not in any specific order).

The Angel or Hero Child: a child who assumes the parental role.

The Troubled (or problem) Child:  the child who is blamed for most problems and may be partly responsible for the family's dysfunction, in spite of often being the only emotionally stable one in the family. This role sometimes can also be referred to as the Scapegoat or Black Sheep.

The Caretaker: the one who takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family.

The Lost Child: the inconspicuous, quiet one, whose needs are usually ignored or hidden.

The Jester: uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system. Some professionals also refer to this child as the Mascot.

The Mastermind: the opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. Often the object of appeasement by grown-ups.

In my own family I must say that I personally could have been referred to as any of these figures with the exception of the Angel Child (although I did attempt to fill that role later in life). As I think back over the years I truly best filled the Jester’s role and warn anyone in any kind of mental health treatment that it is very dangerous TO CONTINUE THIS ROLE AS AN ADULT.

I have discovered that I can so easily fall back into the Jester’s role and take the true focus off of the core problems at hand. For example, if I am talking to my therapist Rhonda about a situation with my mother or daughter that really is hitting a sore spot, I can make a joke or something about a matter that is totally unrelated to try and avoid the actual topic. Personally, I must admit that Rhonda has discovered this about me faster than any previous therapist and it is more difficult to pull it off. I don’t try this intentionally mind you I think this is sometimes a natural defense mechanism.

To be continued….

See you soon – Have a great day

Thoughts and prayers.....

Crazy schedule at work this week. Spring break at most of our college accounts. Last week spent the majority of time at a campus about 20 miles away, started this week off in Western Mass. and off to yet another Mass. campus for the next couple of days.

Yesterday, I discovered that the campus we were working on had a very high population of Asian students who do not travel home for the traditional Spring break due to financial restraints. This normally upbeat campus had a feeling of sadness and unusual calm about it.

We need to take a moment this day and give thanks for each of the blessings we have in our own lives. These young students are miles and miles from home and they are watching their native Japan on television and the web in a state of mass disaster.

Let us keep the people effected by this disaster in our thoughts and prayers throughout this week. Let us not forget just how fortunate we are and take a moment to give someone you love a hug today.

Have a blessed day....see you soon